From 20 to 30: What a Decade Taught Me
The truth is, my 20-year-old self wouldn’t even recognize who I am now. Like many young women, I spent my early years measuring myself against societal norms and expectations. But as a Black woman, the pressure is even more pronounced—we’re rarely shown a life that doesn’t revolve around serving others. From adolescence to young adulthood, our worth is often tied to marital prospects, unattainable beauty standards, respectability politics, and the never-ending task of meeting the expectations of everyone we put ahead of ourselves.
My life at 30 looks nothing like I imagined, and that’s because it’s been shaped by deep unlearning, relentless questioning, and a series of unapologetic 'fuck yous' to anything that stood between me and my own happiness. It’s also been defined by the kind of vulnerability and transparency I didn’t know I was capable of, by finding my voice, and by embracing love in every form it came to me.
Here’s 3 lessons I’ve learned along the way.
1. Unlearn Everything You’ve Been Taught.
When I say everything, I mean everything. The reality is, the first part of our lives is shaped entirely by those who hold authority over us—parents, pastors, guardians, teachers, the list goes on. We're conditioned to follow their rules and expectations. Then, as we enter young adulthood, many of us struggle to find ourselves because we don’t even recognize the sound of our own voice. Our childhood and teenage years often distance us from our intuition, our desires, and our truest selves, and adulthood greets us with a merciless invitation to finally meet ‘you.’
My advice for anyone in their twenties? Start unlearning. By that, I mean start questioning. This could range from something as drastic as your spiritual beliefs to something as seemingly small as your hairstyle. Begin by asking yourself, Why am I the way I am? and Why do I identify with the things I do? Why do I believe what I believe? Why did I choose this career path? Why am I in this relationship? Why do I wear my hair this way?
What questioning does is force us to confront ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for our own happiness. It reveals that much of how we operate and the choices we make stem from fear, obligation, or simply never having questioned the possibility of a different—possibly happier—reality.
2. Therapy is One of the Most Important Investments You Can Make in Your Life
There’s one fact about life I can stand firm on: we’re all a little messed up in some way. Nearly everyone has experienced at least one traumatic event. But trauma isn’t about what happens to you—it’s about what happens inside you as a result. It can wreak havoc on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being in ways that are quietly destructive. Hurt people hurt people, and the cycles of narcissism, abuse, and emotional turmoil continue as long as we run from healing.
I grew up in a deeply religious household where I was taught that “therapy isn’t of God” or “you don’t need therapy, you need Jesus.” While there are aspects of my faith that I still hold dear, discovering the value of therapy was the greatest lesson of my 20s. Finding a Black, queer therapist who specialized in narrative exposure therapy and sexual trauma was a gift that healed me in ways I never thought possible.
There is a therapist out there for everyone. Literally everyone. It may take time to shop around and find the right one, but the pursuit is absolutely worth it.
I wish someone had told me earlier that therapy helps you navigate experiences that were beyond your control, forgive yourself for what you didn’t know, and take back control of your life in the healthiest way possible. Through therapy, we learn to be gentler with ourselves and the people around us. We learn to recognize unsafe people and situations and set boundaries that protect us. Therapy will make you a better you—in fact, I’d argue it makes you the best version of yourself. Not only does it transform your life, but it also benefits the people around you because they get to experience you at your most well.
I can’t recommend it enough.
3. The Only Constant in Life is Change
It took me far too long to realize that so much of my misery, stress, and heartbreak came from fighting change. As you grow, you evolve. What you thought you wanted at 19 might repulse you by 25. Maybe you’ve outgrown the place you once thought you’d always call home. Maybe the person you married ten years ago no longer feels like a match. Maybe you were a daddy’s girl but now can’t stomach your dad’s misogyny and patriarchal views. Or maybe a new book, research, or conversation completely opened your mind and shifted your perspective on relationships, careers, or ways of life.
What this all means is that you have to stay flexible in every area of life. It’s great to have direction and purpose, and it’s wonderful to invest in your vision and relationships—whether familial, platonic, or romantic. But none of that can exist in a healthy way without accepting that change is inevitable.
Never be afraid of change.
It might mean losing relationships—friends, family members, or lovers—but those who are meant to be in your life will always be excited to meet the new version of you.
It might mean that the dream job you worked five years for no longer fulfills you, and you’ll have to start over.
It might even mean packing up your life and moving across the globe to find a place that reflects who you truly are.
No matter what change brings, embrace it. Staying stagnant in relationships, places, or careers just because they’re familiar is how you miss out on life—and miss out on you. In my 20s I learned to believe that whatever is on the other side of change is better than anything I could’ve imagined; I just have to be brave enough to take the leap.
Wrapping it all up
As I reflect on these lessons, I realize that my 20s were a beautiful mess of growth, pain, discovery, and unlearning. I spent so many years trying to control life, trying to meet expectations that were never truly my own. But in letting go—of rigid beliefs, outdated norms, toxic relationships, and even parts of myself I thought were permanent—I discovered a life far more authentic and fulfilling than I ever imagined.
Turning 30 isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about embracing the reality that we never stop learning, growing, or evolving. It’s about being okay with change, with imperfection, and with the unknown. And most importantly, it’s about allowing yourself the grace to be exactly where you are, knowing that the person you are becoming is someone you’ll be proud of.
So, as I enter this next decade of life, I carry these lessons with me—not as rules to live by, but as reminders to trust my own journey. Here’s to the next chapter, to unlearning, to healing, to embracing change, and to becoming the best versions of ourselves.